Miscellaneous Jokes Page 6
A young man came to the circus seeking a job. Thinking he
might make the boy an assistant lion tamer, the owner beckoned
him to come over to the lion's cage. There, the head lion
tamer, a beautiful woman, was rehearsing. She called the lion
to her, and he obediently came over and licked her face.
"Think you can do that?" the owner asked the young man. "I'm
sure I could, sir," the boy replied, "but you'll have to get
that damned lion out of there first."|
The river had swollen and the dam had burst, and now the town
was under ten feet of water. A rescue boat came by Rev. Smith's
church, but Rev. Smith declined to get in. "The Lord will save
me," he replied. An hour later, the water had risen another
ten feet, and Rev. Smith was on the roof of the church. Another
rescue boat came by, and again the reverend declared that the
Lord would save him. Later that night, Rev. Smith clung to the
roof of the church with the water up to his chest. This time a
helicopter came by, but again the reverend shouted, "The Lord
will save me." Unfortunately, by the next morning poor Rev.
Smith had drowned. Up in heaven, he was noticeably miffed at
the Lord. "Hey," he said, "I thought you were going to save me."
"What are you talking about?" the Lord said. "I sent you two
boats and a helicopter!"
Back in the days before agents, baseball players had to
negotiate their own salaries. After one long dispute, a player
and the club owner reached a compromise that was not
satisfactory to either of them. "Do me a favor," said the owner
after the contract was signed, "and don't tell the other fellas
how much you're making." "Don't worry," said the player, "I'm
just as ashamed of the salary as you are."
Julie had been a servant in the wealthy Winthrop household for
several years when, realizing she was pregnant out of wedlock,
confided in Mrs. Winthrop. "I'm terribly ashamed," she cried.
"I will leave this household immediately." Mrs. Winthrop was
shocked, but she felt very sorry for the poor girl. She thought
for a moment and then responded, "I have an idea. You should
have the baby in this house and we will adopt it and treat it as
one of the family." Everybody was happy and life continued as
normal for the Winthrops. The next year, however, Julie found
herself in the same predicament. As before, Mrs. Winthrop,
insisted that she stay on and that they would adopt this child
as well. On the third occasion of Julie's misfortune, she once
again approached her employer. "Julie, poor girl," she sighed,
"what are we do with you?" "I don't thinks there's anything to
be done, Mrs. Winthrop, Julie calmly said. "I'm leaving for
good this time. I can't stand to work for such a large family."
A fellow had just received a promotion to a very high position
in an up-and-coming firm. The person who was leaving the job
handed him three envelopes, and said, "These should prove very
helpful in your new position. Open them one at a time, but not
until you absolutely have to." The fellow thanked the outgoing
employee, and started his job. Things went smoothly for the
first three months, but then a crisis struck. Maybe I'd better
open that first envelope, he thought to himself. He opened it,
and it read: "Blame me." So when the boss called him on the
carpet for low production he said, "It's the person who had the
job before me. She did such a terrible job, that it's taken me
this long to get caught up." The boss nodded and sent him back
to work. Three months later, another crisis--this one much
worse--occurred. When the fellow opened the second envelope, it
read: "Blame the economy." "Boss," he said, "the economy is
so bad, it's a wonder anything gets sold." Sure enough, the
boss nodded and sent him back to work. But three months later,
there was another crisis so monumental, that the fellow knew it
was time to open the third envelope. Anxiously, he tore it open.
The paper read: "Prepare three envelopes."
My uncle works at the Post Office. Every time some one hands
him a package, he says, "For me?"
One afternoon, a well-known umpire got into an argument over a
balk allegedly made by the pitcher. The pitcher's manager came
running out of the dugout to argue. The umpire responded by
throwing his rule book on the ground shouting, "I know the
rules! They're right here in this book!" "Oh yeah?" cried the
manager. "If it's your book it must be written in braille."
PRISON LIBRARIAN: What are you reading?
PRISONER: Oh, nothing much. Just the usual escape literature.
"All right," the farmer said sternly to his sons. "Which one
of you boys pushed over the outhouse last night?" "I cannot
tell a lie," said twelve-year old Jim Bob. "I pushed it over."
Whereupon the farmer put the boy over his knee and prepared to
paddle his behind. "But dad," the boy protested, "when George
Washington told the truth about chopping down the cherry tree,
his father didn't punish him." "I know that," the father
replied, "but George's father wasn't IN the cherry tree at the
A man needed an operation, so he went to the finest surgeon in
the country. The operation was a success, and the surgeon
presented his bill--$2,000. "Doctor," the patient said, "I
can't afford that." "Okay," the physician said testily. "I'll
reduce it to $1,500." "I can't pay that either," the man
replied. After twenty minutes of haggling, the weary doctor
said, "Okay, okay. Five dollars, and that's my lowest offer.
But could you just tell me one thing? If you knew you had no
money, why did you come to the finest and most expensive surgeon
in the country?" "Because," the man replied, "when it comes to
my health, money is no object."
A young woman went into a singles bar hoping to find a
companion for the evening. Sure enough, she soon found herself
talking to an attractive young man who agreed to leave with her.
"Just one question," he said to her as they were walking out
the door. "Do you have herpes?" "No, I don't," she said.
"Good," he said. "I'd sure hate to get THAT again."
A guy was coming home from the bowling alley late one night,
and he decided to take a short cut past the garbage dump. A
shiny object caught his eye, and he picked it up. It was an old
lamp, and he was surprised to find a genie who popped out as
soon as he rubbed it. "I will grant you three wishes," the
genie said. "What do you wish for?" "Gee, I dunno," the man
said. After thinking for a few minutes, he said, "You know what
I want? I want a bottle of beer that no matter how much of it
you drink, it's always full." "Your wish is my command," said
the genie, and he produced the bottle. "Hey, this is
terrific," said the man, as he took several hefty chugs from the
bottle. "Thanks a lot." "Remember," the genie said, "you
still have two wishes coming." "Tell you what," said the man,
thinking for a minute. "Gimme two more of these bottles."
"How was your date?" Susie's roommate inquired. "Oh, we
dined royally," Susie said. "Dinner at Burger King, dessert at
A homeowner called a plumber to fix a leaky faucet. The
plumber arrived and fixed the leak in about five minutes. When
the plumber said the bill was fifty dollars, the woman was
outraged. "Good grief," she said. "We only pay our doctor
twenty-five dollars for a house call. And he usually spends
fifteen or twenty minutes here." "Yes," said the plumber," I
know. That was what I used to get when I was a doctor."
"How's your brother doing? Wasn't he trying for that
government job?" "Oh, he isn't doing a thing." "You mean he
got the job after all?"
The two mathematicians stood in front of the enormous
computer, awaiting a read-out. As one of them read the
print-out, he began to frown. "Do you realize," he told his
colleague, "that it would take four hundred ordinary
mathematicians a hundred and fifty years to make a mistake this
The physician's wife confided to the maid, "I think my husband
is having an affair with his receptionist." "I don't believe
you," said the maid. "You're just saying that to make me
Did you hear that now even the farmers have formed a union?
It's called the E.I.E.I.O.
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life--as long as
I don't buy anything.
"Julia," moaned Mr. Farnsworth, "As you know I am going to
die." "Oh darling, please don't say things like that," cried
Mrs. Farnsworth. "It's no use. I won't be with you long. But
I want you to know that you will live comfortably in my absence.
My estate is worth over $500,000." "Joseph, really. Do you
think I care about how much money you have. Life will have no
meaning for me when you're gone. You're all I want in this
world." Mrs. Farnsworth dried her eyes and said, "By the way,
does that figure include our house in California?"
A cowboy raced into the saloon fuming. "All right, who's the
wise guy that painted my horse green. Show your face you
weasel!" From the back of the bar, a huge seven foot, three
hundred pound man stands up and places his hand on his holster
and says, "I was the one who painted your horse. You want to
say something to me sir." The cowboy's anger suddenly turned
to fear as he replied, "Yes, sir. I thought you'd like to know
that the first coat is dry."
Former President Harry Truman was deer hunting with some
friends one fall, but they didn't even see a deer let alone
shoot one. On the second day, however, one of his partners made
a discovery. "Hey, Harry," he called, pointing to some round
droppings on the ground. "Looks like the buck stopped here."
"But George, this isn't our baby." "Shut up. It's a nicer
A tenderfoot went to buy a horse from a rancher. "Now this is
an unusual horse," the rancher began. "You see, it was owned by
this reverend. So if you want the horse to go, you have to say
'Good Lord,' and if you want him to stop you have to say
'Amen.'" The tenderfoot decided to give the horse a try, so he
mounted and said, "Good Lord." The horse took off toward the
mountains. The horse was so spunky that the rider forgot the
instructions. Each time he yelled "Good Lord" in fear, the
horse went even faster. Just as they came to the edge of a
cliff, the hapless rider remembered how to stop the horse.
"AMEN!" he shouted. And the horse stopped inches from the
cliff. The man wiped his brow in relief, sighed at his near
disaster and said, "Good Lord."
A missionary in a remote jungle outpost found himself face to
face with a ferocious lion. Knowing he was doomed for certain,
he kneeled down and said his prayers. To his astonishment, the
lion too kneeled quietly. "This is a miracle!" the missionary
shouted. "Quiet!" Said the lion. "I'm saying grace."
JIMMY: What happens when an auto is too old to run?
BOBBY: Someone sells it to my father.
The financier had just finished lunch at a Palm Springs
eatery. He left a modest tip and was preparing to leave, when
the waiter said, "You know, sir, your daughter always leaves a
larger tip than that." "That all right for her," the financier
growled. "She's got a rich father."
A judge was screening prospective jurors for a murder trial.
"Have you formed any opinion regarding the guilt or innocence of
the accused?" he asked Juror #1. "No, Your Honor." "And do
you have any objections to imposing the death penalty if the
accused is found guilty?" "Not in this case," replied the
The elderly woman accidentally dropped her handkerchief as she
put some coins into the beggar's cup. He gallantly stooped to
pick it up. "Why you're not blind!" she exclaimed. "No," he
said, "I'm working for my brother. It's his day off."
A woman seated at the movies was surprised to find sitting in
the two adjacent seats a man with his arm around a sheep dog.
All through the movie, she noticed the dog watching the picture
with apparent understanding, snarling when the villain appeared,
yelping happily at the funny parts. At the end of the movie,
she tapped the man on the shoulder. "I just can't get over how
much your dog enjoyed the movie," she said. "It surprises me
too," the man answered. "He absolutely despised the book."
The man at the bar casually leaned over and asked a woman
passing by, "Excuse me, Miss, do you have the time?" "What?"
she said loudly. "How dare you make such a proposition to me!"
Noticing that every eye in the place turned toward him, the man
mumbled, "I just asked the time, miss." "I WILL CALL THE
POLICE IF YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD!" she shrieked, even louder this
time. Mortally embarrassed, the man slunk off to a corner of
the bar. A few minutes later, the young woman approached him
with an apology. "You'll have to excuse me," she said. "I'm
writing a doctoral thesis on the response of human beings to
sudden shocking statements." The man looked at her curiously,
then said in his loudest voice, "YOU MEAN YOU'LL DO ALL THAT ALL
NIGHT FOR JUST THREE DOLLARS?"
CUSTOMER: How much is a haircut?
BARBER: A dollar fifty.
CUSTOMER: How much is a shave?
BARBER: Sixty cents.
CUSTOMER: In that case, shave my hair off.
Two business partners, Sammy and Abe, were inseparable. One
evening, they made a vow. Whichever one of them died first
would try to contact the other from the spirit world. Not long
after that, Sammy died. Abe was despondent, but he decided to
start attending seances in the hopes of talking to his beloved
partner. For months, he had no luck. Then, it happened. He
was at a seance when he heard his name called, "Abe?" "Sammy,"
he said excitedly. "Sammy, is that you?" "Yes, Abe," the
far-off voice said, "it's me." "Sammy, where are you?" Abe
asked. "What are you doing?" "Well," the voice began, "I get
up, have something to eat, make love all morning long. Then,
it's lunch time, so I have another bite, then I make love most
of the afternoon, take a nap, and it's time to eat again. I
make love long into the night, and then I fall into a peaceful
sleep." "Sammy!" Abe cried excitedly, "You must be in heaven!"
"Heaven?" the voice sighed. "I'm a bull in Colorado."
My wife's a terrific housekeeper. I dirty a plate, she washes
it immediately. I'm ready to drop a cigar ash on the floor, she
has it picked up before it even drops. The other night, I got
up a three a.m. to get a glass of juice. I came back, and the
bed already had been made.